I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
bring money and cleavage
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
