I wish I could teleport
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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