We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
