I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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