Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
