I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
