So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
