We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
