fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Randomize
