We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
