I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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