One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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