You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
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