Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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