I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
