Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
