I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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