I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Randomize
