dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
