Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
