someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
