My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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