I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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