I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
