Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
