Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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