I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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