Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize