dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
