he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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