The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
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