wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
