Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
