you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize