so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize