alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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