Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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