Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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