1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize