well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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