I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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