i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
We have started to decorate penises.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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