my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
