At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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