The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize