SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
