I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
