If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
