So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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