the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
