if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
