I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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