I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
