I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
