it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
