dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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